Carwreck Archives #1 December 1999 Ted Nugent-Great Gonzos (Best Of) remastered

Part One of a look at the Carwreck Archives. These pieces were written for VMag, a music and arts magazine from the late 1990’s until the early 2000’s. Home to some pretty amazing writers, all under the patient watch of editor Murphy, one of the best of the best. Some reviews were quick hits, some were downright strange. The following is one of the latter (in light of the Nuge’s later proclivities, this one now seems oddly prescient).

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Ted Nugent-Great Gonzos (Best of) remastered   Epic

Classification: Secret (declassified 11.9.99) 

The following is an excerpt from a Michigan Federal Court House wiretap #11790. Extremist subgroup; Nugent cousins MF and ML discuss holidays.

(begin transmission) “…..ok kids, your uncle Ted is coming over for Thanksgiving dinner today. Now, he’s a little different. If he’s wearing a loin cloth today, remember it’s to honor our Indian brothers, not any dysfunctional behavior. And if he comes in with a freshly killed turkey, well he hunted it himself with a bow and arrow just like the Indians. Let’s try to forget the last Thanksgiving and the cat impalement incident. I know what your mother has said about this, and I’m sure she’s still mad about Uncle Ted and your cousin Lolita-you know the one who had to be sent away to boarding school for nine months? Anyway, we should familiarize ourselves a little bit before he gets here. Gather round the Close n’ Play while grampa Joe gets out his 45 collection. Not guns. Joe Jr.—records. Yup, records like your parents used to collect.

First, your uncle Ted like cats a lot. and I’m sure he’s very sorry he shot Mr Jingles last year. I’m not totally sorry he shot the neighbors two alley cats, but we had to pretend we were sorry. Anyway the sings about cats a lot, look here, one of his records is even called Cat Scratch Fever.!  It has lines about pussy cats and stuff. You know, most of his songs are about pussy cats. He doesn’t actually say cat, after pussy, but he’s from Detroit and you know how those city folk like to abbreviate.

He likes the guitar a lot. * I think he’s been playing in those ‘rock n’ roll’ bands for about thirty five years now. Your aunt says he doesn’t ever even use those fancy guitar pedals, just an amp and a Gibson Birdland guitar. You know once he played in a stadium in Kansas City I think, and the got noise complaints from three miles away. Imagine! She said that Ted told her he saw a mouse run onstage during a show, during a guitar solo, got in front of his amplifier, and died. from the volume! He swore it was true!  Lord knows he’s always liked loud music. Those Amboy Dukes friends of his used to scare me in the 60’s.  “Journey to the Center of Your Mind”, and he swears he never did drugs? They used to rehearse in the garage over here, and I tell you, those cigarettes could have been laced with Mary Jane. He certainly acts like they were.

Oh, this song sounds like that guy Meat Loaf is singing. It is? He was around before Bat Out of Hell? “Dog Eat Dog“? That’s not about cats Wow. this is cool!   Slick instrumental interplay–not what people remember uncle Ted for. And this one–“Stranglehold“. Isn’t this on the Dazed and Confused soundtrack? Long and spacey–out there! ‘This is a lot different than I remembered. It’s really good. Oh, this song must be about starting old fashioned Model T cars, “Yank Me, Crank Me”. Your uncle just has so many interests. Oops, there he is, make yourselves look nice!. He’s getting out…no loincloth., good….what’s that in his hands?…..children, go to  your rooms right now.!!!……….(end transmission)

Case closed 11.5.98–not considered a threat to family or friends.

-FBI Headquarters, Ann Arbor Michigan. (transcribed and edited by Carwreck deBangs)

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